Marital Lies

Marital lies.  These are not the lies one might tell their husband or wife like, “I did not forget that tomorrow was our anniversary.” The marital lies I want to share are the ones we tell ourselves.  These self-lies are often the root of the arguments and irritants in our marriages.

1. My wife (husband) should make me happy.
2. My husband (wife) has to meet all of my needs.
3. My spouse, because they love me, knows my needs without my having to tell her/him.
4. I know how things should be done and my wife (husband) should be willing to do things my way.
5. No matter what I say or do, my husband (wife) should not respond in an irritable or angry tone to me.
6. My spouse should ask me about my day first.

I am sure that as you read the above statements you realized at least two things. 1) You tell one or more of these statements to yourself (or have in the past). And 2) You can see how unfair they are to your spouse.

Take a moment to look over these statements. If you see that you are telling yourself these lies, then learn to see them for what they are and try to think differently. Tell yourself that they are not true and try rewording them as truths. Take number 3 for an example. Tell yourself, “My spouse will only know what I need and be able to help fulfill that need when I communicate that need.”

Have a great marriage!

- Scott

Earth Day Backlink . . .

Happy Earth Day – Here is what I wrote 4 years ago on this day - 
http://scottmccown.wordpress.com/2009/04/22/happy-earth-day-to-you/

Haiku Deck

I am trying out Haiku Deck on my iPad as a presentation tool.  To test it out I put together (in less than 15 minutes) a presentation of an old blog post – Ten Commandments of Human Relationships.  Below is the Haiku Deck, click on the picture to see the presentation:

Check Haiku Deck out for yourself at http://www.haikudeck.com

Communication is Key

Good (healthy) communication is a key ingredient to any long-lasting relationship, especially marriage.  We need to be certain that we are doing our best to communicate with our spouse. Communication is more that talking and listening.  Communication is the transfer of information, ideas, and emotion. Real communication takes effort if we are going to understand what our spouse is trying to say.

To help us with our communication, take a look at the following passages taken from The New Living Translation:

• Eph 4:15 Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of His body, the church.
• Jas 3:2 Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.
• 1Pe 3:10 For the Scriptures say, “If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies.
• Eph 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. 
• Pro 28:13 People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.
• Pro 12:18 Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.
• Pro 14:29 People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.
• Pro 15:4 Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
• Pro 15:23 Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!
• Pro 17:9 Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.

- Scott

photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/h-k-d/5640009493/ via http://photopin.com”>photopin   http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/

Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage

Amy and I on our 23rd Anniversary Get-a-Way

Everyone of us enter marriage with certain expectations. Some are natural, some are achievable, and some are just plain unrealistic.  These unrealistic expectations have potential to damage your continued marital happiness, so I suggest that you avoid them. Here they are:

1. Our relationship will never change, it will always be the same as it was (is) in the early years of our marriage. I am sorry, this just is not true. The relationship will change, the thrills will be different. Consider this from a FB post I read yesterday, “Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It’s a natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.  At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, “Am I with the right person?” And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown.”
2. The Honeymoon Excitement can be maintained or resurrected. I suppose I have to be the one to tell you that you have to go to work, if you have children then the role of parenting will impact that honeymoon feeling, and bills will come in the mail. Your love will have to change from infatuation to intention (read the above quote again).
3. If my spouse loves me they will know my needs and wants without me having to tell them. NO ONE, not even your spouse can read your mind.  Tell each other your wants  and needs. Husbands, follow your wives interests on Pinterest if you want her to think you can read her mind.
4. We should be just alike in everything.  We should have the same likes and dislikes, think the same, and do the same activities. NO! I am not sure I would like Amy if she were exactly like me. You are different people with different backgrounds and different genders – you will have differences.  Celebrate those differences and learn to try new things together.

What are other UNREALISTIC expectations you can think of?

- Scott

On the Radio

Classic!

This week a radio station in our area played a call from listener. This female listener was complaining about her parents. Here is a transcript of the complaint:

“I’m 30, and I’m bringing my boyfriend home to meet my parents for the first time in a few weeks. My parents are weird about stuff like that, so they’re making me and my boyfriend sleep in separate bedrooms. But he’s 36 . . . and it just seems like a weird thing to do. I guess my parents just don’t want to think about us together in their house. Should adult boyfriends and girlfriends sleep in separate beds at their parents’ house? Doesn’t the whole separate bedrooms thing seem a little too old-school in this day and age?”

The calls and comments started coming in and varied between two basic opinions:

1) Her parents need to respect her as an adult and allow them to share a bed.

2) She needs to be an adult and respect her parents wishes and not share a bed with her boyfriend in her parents home. If they cannot be apart for that long, get a hotel.

There is something missing. What about respect for God? Consider these words from God’s Word:

• Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. (Rom 13:13-14).
• Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, (1Co 6:18-19)
• But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. 

  (Eph 5:3)

• For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, 

  (1Th 4:3-4)

Sexual intimacy is for marriage only - Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. (Heb 13:4)

These parents are not being “old fashioned” they are trying to help them do what is right and avoid what is wrong.

- Scott

Stages of Marriage

Marriage – “It’s a living thing!”  Marriage goes through changes as your relationship with your spouse grows.  Some of these changes come naturally as you mature and as you go through the developmental process of living.  Couples who are entering marriage and married couples should realize there will be changes and that these changes will have an impact on their relationship with each other. Here is one suggestion of the changing stages of your marriage:

1. The Honeymoon Stage: This is not the weekend or two week trip you take after your wedding. This is the time you spend learning each other when it is just the two of you. You love the time you have together and are together almost all the time. Amy and I had a 7 year honeymoon.
2. The Expectant Parenthood Stage: Your first child is on the way and this changes the way you see each other and the way you relate to each other. Your love changes. This change is hard to explain, other than you begin to see your spouse as partner in the joy you are experiencing.
3. The Preschool Parenting Stage: You and your spouse are focusing time on the little blessing (blessings) that crawl and toddle around your house. You are teaching them to talk, walk, feed themselves, and to begin to take care of themselves. You are watching your “mini-me” learn at a rapid rate. You see your spouse in their eyes and you see the twinkle in your spouses eye as you raise this little person together.
4. Child Rearing Parenting Stage: Your children are school age.  You send them off to the care of teachers or you teach them at home. They are growing more and more independent and you and your spouse spend time talking about (concerned about) the children and training them to become young adults.
5. Adolescent Parenting Stage: This is where we are. Our son is about to turn 16. We can
   

   Amy, Scott (me), Andrew two weeks ago at Cainey Creek Falls

   see the influence we had on him from his birth until now showing in the way he treats us and those around him. Your adolescent begins to “spread their wings” and try flying solo more than you are ready for. When they are spending more time with friends and are old enough to stay home while you go out, you find yourselves as a couple finding more time with just the two of you.

6. Child Launching Stage: We are getting there.  We are watching our friends and siblings as they go through this stage. We see their fears as they let go of those children and we see their relationship as a couple returning to just the two of them.
7. Empty Nest Stage: You are still young, but now there are only two of you. If you did not build a great relationship in the Honeymoon Stage and maintain a healthy love through the next stages this stage can be a challenge. You may have “fall in love” again. If you kept your relationship strong, this is a great time for you.
8. Retirement Stage: You are no longer working outside the home. The children and grandchildren come to visit, but it is mostly just the two of you.  Look at this time as a “second honeymoon” stage. My parents just took two weeks to go camping – they did not tell the children – how dare them!

Where are you in your marriage?  How are you making it work?

- Scott