Marital Lies

Marital lies.  These are not the lies one might tell their husband or wife like, “I did not forget that tomorrow was our anniversary.” The marital lies I want to share are the ones we tell ourselves.  These self-lies are often the root of the arguments and irritants in our marriages.

1. My wife (husband) should make me happy.
2. My husband (wife) has to meet all of my needs.
3. My spouse, because they love me, knows my needs without my having to tell her/him.
4. I know how things should be done and my wife (husband) should be willing to do things my way.
5. No matter what I say or do, my husband (wife) should not respond in an irritable or angry tone to me.
6. My spouse should ask me about my day first.

I am sure that as you read the above statements you realized at least two things. 1) You tell one or more of these statements to yourself (or have in the past). And 2) You can see how unfair they are to your spouse.

Take a moment to look over these statements. If you see that you are telling yourself these lies, then learn to see them for what they are and try to think differently. Tell yourself that they are not true and try rewording them as truths. Take number 3 for an example. Tell yourself, “My spouse will only know what I need and be able to help fulfill that need when I communicate that need.”

Have a great marriage!

- Scott

Communication is Key

Good (healthy) communication is a key ingredient to any long-lasting relationship, especially marriage.  We need to be certain that we are doing our best to communicate with our spouse. Communication is more that talking and listening.  Communication is the transfer of information, ideas, and emotion. Real communication takes effort if we are going to understand what our spouse is trying to say.

To help us with our communication, take a look at the following passages taken from The New Living Translation:

• Eph 4:15 Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of His body, the church.
• Jas 3:2 Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way.
• 1Pe 3:10 For the Scriptures say, “If you want to enjoy life and see many happy days, keep your tongue from speaking evil and your lips from telling lies.
• Eph 4:31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. 
• Pro 28:13 People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.
• Pro 12:18 Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.
• Pro 14:29 People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.
• Pro 15:4 Gentle words are a tree of life; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit.
• Pro 15:23 Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!
• Pro 17:9 Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends.

- Scott

photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/h-k-d/5640009493/ via http://photopin.com”>photopin   http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/

Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage

Amy and I on our 23rd Anniversary Get-a-Way

Everyone of us enter marriage with certain expectations. Some are natural, some are achievable, and some are just plain unrealistic.  These unrealistic expectations have potential to damage your continued marital happiness, so I suggest that you avoid them. Here they are:

1. Our relationship will never change, it will always be the same as it was (is) in the early years of our marriage. I am sorry, this just is not true. The relationship will change, the thrills will be different. Consider this from a FB post I read yesterday, “Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It’s a natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.  At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, “Am I with the right person?” And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when relationships breakdown.”
2. The Honeymoon Excitement can be maintained or resurrected. I suppose I have to be the one to tell you that you have to go to work, if you have children then the role of parenting will impact that honeymoon feeling, and bills will come in the mail. Your love will have to change from infatuation to intention (read the above quote again).
3. If my spouse loves me they will know my needs and wants without me having to tell them. NO ONE, not even your spouse can read your mind.  Tell each other your wants  and needs. Husbands, follow your wives interests on Pinterest if you want her to think you can read her mind.
4. We should be just alike in everything.  We should have the same likes and dislikes, think the same, and do the same activities. NO! I am not sure I would like Amy if she were exactly like me. You are different people with different backgrounds and different genders – you will have differences.  Celebrate those differences and learn to try new things together.

What are other UNREALISTIC expectations you can think of?

- Scott

On the Radio

Classic!

This week a radio station in our area played a call from listener. This female listener was complaining about her parents. Here is a transcript of the complaint:

“I’m 30, and I’m bringing my boyfriend home to meet my parents for the first time in a few weeks. My parents are weird about stuff like that, so they’re making me and my boyfriend sleep in separate bedrooms. But he’s 36 . . . and it just seems like a weird thing to do. I guess my parents just don’t want to think about us together in their house. Should adult boyfriends and girlfriends sleep in separate beds at their parents’ house? Doesn’t the whole separate bedrooms thing seem a little too old-school in this day and age?”

The calls and comments started coming in and varied between two basic opinions:

1) Her parents need to respect her as an adult and allow them to share a bed.

2) She needs to be an adult and respect her parents wishes and not share a bed with her boyfriend in her parents home. If they cannot be apart for that long, get a hotel.

There is something missing. What about respect for God? Consider these words from God’s Word:

• Let us walk properly as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, not in quarreling and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to gratify its desires. (Rom 13:13-14).
• Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, (1Co 6:18-19)
• But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. 

  (Eph 5:3)

• For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, 

  (1Th 4:3-4)

Sexual intimacy is for marriage only - Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. (Heb 13:4)

These parents are not being “old fashioned” they are trying to help them do what is right and avoid what is wrong.

- Scott

Stages of Marriage

Marriage – “It’s a living thing!”  Marriage goes through changes as your relationship with your spouse grows.  Some of these changes come naturally as you mature and as you go through the developmental process of living.  Couples who are entering marriage and married couples should realize there will be changes and that these changes will have an impact on their relationship with each other. Here is one suggestion of the changing stages of your marriage:

1. The Honeymoon Stage: This is not the weekend or two week trip you take after your wedding. This is the time you spend learning each other when it is just the two of you. You love the time you have together and are together almost all the time. Amy and I had a 7 year honeymoon.
2. The Expectant Parenthood Stage: Your first child is on the way and this changes the way you see each other and the way you relate to each other. Your love changes. This change is hard to explain, other than you begin to see your spouse as partner in the joy you are experiencing.
3. The Preschool Parenting Stage: You and your spouse are focusing time on the little blessing (blessings) that crawl and toddle around your house. You are teaching them to talk, walk, feed themselves, and to begin to take care of themselves. You are watching your “mini-me” learn at a rapid rate. You see your spouse in their eyes and you see the twinkle in your spouses eye as you raise this little person together.
4. Child Rearing Parenting Stage: Your children are school age.  You send them off to the care of teachers or you teach them at home. They are growing more and more independent and you and your spouse spend time talking about (concerned about) the children and training them to become young adults.
5. Adolescent Parenting Stage: This is where we are. Our son is about to turn 16. We can
   

   Amy, Scott (me), Andrew two weeks ago at Cainey Creek Falls

   see the influence we had on him from his birth until now showing in the way he treats us and those around him. Your adolescent begins to “spread their wings” and try flying solo more than you are ready for. When they are spending more time with friends and are old enough to stay home while you go out, you find yourselves as a couple finding more time with just the two of you.

6. Child Launching Stage: We are getting there.  We are watching our friends and siblings as they go through this stage. We see their fears as they let go of those children and we see their relationship as a couple returning to just the two of them.
7. Empty Nest Stage: You are still young, but now there are only two of you. If you did not build a great relationship in the Honeymoon Stage and maintain a healthy love through the next stages this stage can be a challenge. You may have “fall in love” again. If you kept your relationship strong, this is a great time for you.
8. Retirement Stage: You are no longer working outside the home. The children and grandchildren come to visit, but it is mostly just the two of you.  Look at this time as a “second honeymoon” stage. My parents just took two weeks to go camping – they did not tell the children – how dare them!

Where are you in your marriage?  How are you making it work?

- Scott

Put Off and Put On for Marriage

Talking to Christians in Colossae, the Apostle Paul encourages them to change their ways.  He reminds them that now that they are different. “But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator.”  (Col 3:8-10). It is worth noting that Paul tells the Ephesians something similar in Ephesians 4 and then in chapter 5 compares the relationship of Christ and the Church to that of husband and wife.

This recognition caused me to pause and consider the things we need to Put Off when we marry and what we need to Put On in their place.

Put Off	Put On
Self-Centeredness	Love
Critical Judgment	Self-Reflection
Bitterness	Compassion
Grudges	Forgiveness
Pride	Humility
Hatred	Kindness
Lying	Truth
Profanity (Destructive language)	Encouragement
Ingratitude	Gratefulness (Thankfulness)
Impatience	Patience
Complaining	Contentment (Joy)
Jealousy	Agape Love / Trust
Anger	Self-Control
Self	Spouse

- Scott

Right Reasons

Last Thursday I wrote about the Wrong Reasons to Marry. Someone sent a message

My Parents – 52 years and counting.

asking if I would write about reasons why to marry, and of course I said I would.  Honestly, that was my plan all along. What are good, wholesome, right reasons to choose to marry? This post is not about finding the right person or about being the right person, I wrote about being the right person on July 09, 2012 and on selecting a spouse on August 27, 2012. Today we will stick to the Right Reasons.

1. Companionship. When God created woman and presented her to man, He intended for them to be companions, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him.” (Gen 2:18). Adam’s reaction is priceless, “At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” (Gen 2:23: NLT). Adam, after seeing all the animals had companions, found exhilaration in God’s creation of a companion for him.
2. Raising Children. God told Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply. Marriage brings about children (naturally, adopted, or Foster Children). A good marriage, a good home, is an essential part of bringing about a responsible future generation. That is why many of my posts are about parenting.
3. Sexuality. Sexual intercourse is not dirty. God implanted this desire in His creation, but He also placed it within a loving, committed, marriage relationship. This is not to limit our fun, but for our emotional and physical well-being. There are no laws against and there are no regrets when we express our love in the intimacy of monogamous marriage. The Hebrew writer says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” (Heb 13:4).  Paul would add that we should not withhold intimacy from each other in marriage (2Co 7:2-5).
4. Love. When I ask young couples why they want to marry each other, the soon to be bride answers, “We love each other.”  I then ask the groom, “How do you know you lover her?  What is love?” The answer I want them to understand is love in the since of sacrifice, what the Greek word AGAPE came to symbolize.  I want them to see a LOVE that always wants the best for the other person and seeks to supply what is best for them. I want them to know that LOVE sacrifices my desires and needs to fulfill the desires and needs of my spouse. I challenge them to think about what their relationship will likely entail when they are celebrating 50 or 60 years of marriage. How will they cope if one of them requires long-term care? Real love supplies the needs of the other. If both husband and wife love in that way – WOW what a great marriage!
5. To Have A Partner on Your Journey to Heaven. I yield to the Apostle Peter for an explanation, “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” (1Pe 3:7)

Have a great marriage!

- Scott

Wrong Reasons

Motivations, reasons, excuses . . . call them what you want, but sometimes our rationale misguides us. This is true about many areas of life. We are quite adept at convincing ourselves that any given action is what we should do, even when that action may not be the best course. This is also true in our choice to marry.

When I counsel with couples who ask me to take part in their wedding, one of the first things I ask every couple is simple, but not simple. Every couple, almost without exception looks at me as if I just fell off the back of a truck and hit my head. The question is, “Why do you want to get married?”

I ask because I believe some people choose marriage for the wrong reasons.  Here are a list of reasons that observation tells me are NOT reasons to marry:

• To escape an unhappy home.
  

  March 2013

• Because you are lonely.
• Physical appearance of the other person.
• Social pressure – every one expects you to marry.
• Guilt (pity) or feeling sorry for the other person.
• Rebellion against family (parents).
• To be taken care of (to fulfill my needs).
• Rebound from a former relationship.
• Pregnancy.

What are the reasons to get married?  That is another post for another day.

- Scott

Committing to Your Spouse

Cover via Amazon.com

Commitment is key to a great marriage. Most of us in our vows made a promise to “keep ourselves to our spouse until death parts us.” However, in my observation, many couples struggle to follow through. Do you want a great marriage? Do you intend to stay together. Here are four – count them – only Four Steps for Maintaining Commitment in Your Marriage*:

1. Make and take very specific steps toward the goals and dreams you have together.
2. NEVER take your spouse for granted nor neglect your relationship.
3. Daily recommit yourself to your spouse.
4. Pray to God asking Him to help you in your commitment and pray for your spouse as well.

There you have it.  Now put it into practice.

BTW: Substitute Christ for your spouse and you have a four good points on how to be committed as a Christian.

- Scott

*adapted from H. Norman Wright, So You are Getting Married, (1985) p 11

Married? Plan to Be? Then Read This!

H. Norman Wright authored “So You’re Getting Married” in 1985.  I picked up my copy the other day as I was researching for this blog and other areas of ministry.  There, right in the first chapter, just as he begins writing Wright gives a great list that defines marriage and provides useful information to help us as we Commit to Marriage:

• Marriage is a gift.
• Marriage is an opportunity for love and to be learned.
• Marriage is a journey in which we as the travelers are faced with may choices and are responsible for these choices.
• Marriage is affected more by our inner communication that our outer communication.
• Marriage is more often influenced by unresolved issues from our past than we realize.
• Marriage is a call to servanthood.
• Marriage is a call to friendship.
• Marriage is a call to suffering.
• Marriage is not an event but a way of life.
• Marriage involves intimacy in all areas for it to be fulfilling.

Cover via Amazon.com

Wright, H. Norman, So You’re Getting Married, (Regal Books:Ventura, California) 1985.